Crossroads and Awakening

Life for the past three years was volatile. I keep on going forward and back. If you'd read my blogs you would know that I failed in my exam, went under the knife for Endometrial Cancer TAHBSO surgery, had yet to find career peace and had as many bumps in the road as one can imagine in a short span of three years. 

It's not all negative though. I got employed ( so that means, I have a meager salary that helps me and my family), had developed a new sense of independence , got to spend more time doing the things I love (crafts, reading, meditate etc.) and  not only found my faith but started having a personal relationship with God.

I hit bottom. I went through depression. I had the so called quarter-life crisis. I am not completely sure, I'm passed that, too. I have many angst. I have many what ifs. I super go back and think of those many what ifs. The temptation to stay in the past is strong at times. I am so human. 

And though I'm hating myself during those times, it's also on those dark moments that I feel stronger. Because deep in me is the force that fights back, making me focus on the life I have-- on the life I am yet to live and the memories I am yet to make.

The struggle is real. Day in, day out. The difference between today and yesterday is that I  know how it felt to stay in the bottom and wallow. It's a suffocating feeling that takes all the light and joy and sunshine you know you had seen, felt and enjoyed, many times over in your short life. 

The difference is, I know who to call, I know who to think, I know what I'd be missing. 

So everyday, it is important for me to start with a grateful heart. I make sure to thank Daddy God for allowing me another day. I thank Jesus for Redeeming me. And I ask Mama Mary to pray for me as I battle the day. 

My life is far, far, far from being perfect. It's even way far down I used to imagine. But it is Okay. And being able to say it is  okay, is enough blessing and enough motivation for me to start moving forward and gently unravel the day.

Surprise me today, Lord. Do to me as you Will.

I am Yours.

-makelina